Will Smith’s slap; love without compassion

I have read many different reactions to Will Smith’s slap at the Oscars that you won’t have missed. Of course, each reaction carries an element of subjectivity, and the sum of the opinions is more a social construction than an elaboration of the truth. 

One thing that is striking at first glance is that Will Smith has values of non-violence and love. He says it himself in his letter of apology, ” my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. ” So what happened between his intention of non-violence and his act.

“Will Smith did not react for his wife or for his honor, he reacted because his wife’s suffering was unbearable.”



Will Smith did not react for his wife or for his honor, he reacted because his wife’s suffering was unbearable. We all understood that Chris Rock’s nice joke touched Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith’s wife because her haircut was not a choice but the consequence of alopecia. 

Will Smith didn’t react to the joke itself; he says, he knows it’s ok to make those kinds of jokes in this context. He reacted to the perception of his wife’s suffering. Again, he writes this in his apology letter ” a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally”. It was not the joke, but her emotion that was unbearable. Why?

Love and compassion

Darwin had already noticed that we have more compassion for those close to us than for those who are far from us. Compassion is a sensitivity to suffering with a motivation to engage with that suffering o relieve it (Gilbert).

How does the suffering of our loved ones change our compassionate response? 

It is not directly compassion that is linked to affective proximity but our perception of suffering. We can speak here of emotional contagion. The connection, the degree of bond we have with a person, what is commonly called love, leads us to perceive the suffering of the other as if it were our own.

When we perceive this suffering, we have two choices.

  1. The first is to welcome it with compassion, that is, to make room for the suffering. The space that is then created between us and the person suffering will be a space of restoration, of integration of the pain. This integration is linked to processes of synchronization of the brain waves between the two people connected. 
  2. If this suffering is too difficult to bear, another motivation will be activated, which I call the no-suffering motivation. It looks a lot like compassion, but it reality aims at removing the suffering, like solving a problem. It is what we do, for example, by nimbing ourselves, by avoiding a difficult situation or by trying to destroy the situation or the person who is the source of our suffering (what we usually call hate) … It is this motivation of non-suffering that leads us to wage war on those who hurt us, to avoid a child from risking injury while riding a bicycle or leads us to avoid a sick person we love. 

The shining joy of seriously ill children is often interpreted as a sign of strength and fighting spirit in the face of disease. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it may also be a strategy to cope with the distress of their loved ones. They put on a big smile to regulate the suffering of their parents, affected by the emotional contagion in reaction to their own suffering. A bit like a sounding board, if the child suffers, the parents suffer too. The child puts on a big smile to avoid seeing his or her parents in distress.

In that way, Will Smith saw his wife suffering from hair loss and he certainly tried to contain his emotional reaction. Seeing his wife hurt publicly putted him in front of something he probably hadn’t accepted.

When I delivered my first child without anesthesia, the father came out after several hours in the delivery room. I felt a deep sense of relief, not that he was coming out, but I was relieved that I no longer had to contain the expression of my pain. I was able to scream for the first time. I often have empathetic patients who are liberated to understand that their spouse, while not able to bear their suffering, is not unconcerned. He or she may just be in a non-suffering motivation.


Of course, I am not avoiding the question of violence. It is obviously regrettable that Will Smith was violent in his act. But let’s not forget that the first cause of violence is violence. Why? Because violence, like the perception of suffering, is conveyed through connecting links. Research on contagion has shown that many shootings are triggered by previous shootings, through mechanisms of revenge. The suffering of the victims’ loved ones leads to further violence, and programs such as Cure Violence, which support victims and their loved ones in defusing the violence, have proven effective.

Will Smith himself was a victim of his father’s violence towards his mother and the feeling that he should have defended her entrenched this violence. 

This behavior was met with an immediate public apology, which tends to show that this act was not a reflexive calculation of attempted domination, as it may sometimes be the case with some violence, but rather the result of intense pain. Being able to express that one has made a mistake and show acts of restoration is fundamental in the process of defusing violence. 

America is not only suffering from an excess of violence but also from having a huge heart, which is not supported by enough compassion.

The good news is that compassion can grow. It may be the new El Dorado? The new American dream? The new movie whose superhero will have to discover his powers by accepting the vulnerability of the one he loves…

Ghosts of compassion

This text is fictional inspired by various experiences I have had in and out of my therapeutic practice. Any resemblance to a real person or events is purely coincidental.

Image, Briton Rivière, Compassion; photoshopped by Ghost ren 3

Bruno loves riding his motorcycle; the vibrations going up his spine; the sensation of his body and mind united as he rides; the feeling that he is in full control of the engine.

Well, he used to like it. He still does, but for some time now, his motorcycle hasn’t left the garage. Now suddenly the thought of riding his bike scares him. 

I first met Bruno shortly after his grandfather’s death. Since his grandfather`s passing it seemed like nothing had gone right.  Bruno had been off work for quite a while and his anxiety just seemed to be getting worse.   For some reason, he told me, he just couldn’t accept the sudden loss of his grandfather.  Yes, of course, he loved his grandfather very much but “at his age, it was normal that he would die,” he thought.  “What was wrong with him that he was reacting in such a way?” He couldn’t stop blaming himself, and had the feeling that he was physically falling and mentally falling apart.  To make matters worse, he had recurrent images of himself slipping off his motorcylce, falling off his black Steed with no way to hold on. The bulk of his leather jacket and pants just made it worse. He remained frozen and trapped as these images, like a horror film, repetitively haunted him. 

We begin our work together with some breathing exercises.  I teach Bruno to breathe by inflating his belly on the inbreath and gently slowing down his outbreath. We practice together. He likes the mechanical side of it. He quickly understands that oxygen is the fuel for a combustion reaction in the body. The O2 molecules will release an electric current when they come into contact with the sugar-laden cell membrane. It is this reaction that releases the energy needed for the muscles to contract. The energy is converted, and CO2 is released. The more intensely he breathes, the greater the combustion. Hyperventilating, he realizes, is the basis of his anxiety attacks. He thinks back to those moments when he panicked on his motorbike. He had to stop to regain a sense of control. The heat, his heart beating at 200 mph, his head spinning, the feeling of losing control and most of all, the feeling that these sensations would never end.  It was a horrible experience. He didn’t tell anyone about it, but it kept coming back. Insidiously, the anxiety returned time and time again like a monster creeping up under his leather jacket. 

With the breath, he finds he regains a sense of control for the first time. He understands a little better what has happened and is reassured to have a diagnosis. “Okay, it’s a panic attack, but getting back on the bike is not an option,” he says. It’s not a lack of desire but the idea of having an accident that is still there. His wife and daughters are too important to him, especially since his second daughter has just been born and she is not well. 

In the weeks that follow, his daughter’s health deteriorates, and the prognosis is not good. For Bruno, he feels like his life is a living hell, but he wants to be there for his family. He goes to the hospital whenever he can. Our sessions continue but are less frequent.

One day he tells me that he has something to tell me that he is embarrassed about. He thinks I’m going to think he is crazy. I tell him that I’m the first crazy person in the room so not to feel shy. And he tells me. Lately at night, just before he falls asleep, he says, he sees his grandfather. He insists that it more than just his imagination. He actually feels him; feels his presence. Like a ghost, he is there and Bruno is not alone. Other loved ones who have died are also there alongside him. 

Our discussion continues:

Isa: “It’s more common than we imagine and in the context of what you’re going through, it can make sense.”

Bruno: “It’s ridiculous to think that there’s anything after death.” 

Isa: “Nobody knows what’s after. Objectively, there is no possibility to test a hypothesis on this subject. There are only beliefs. What is more ridiculous is to pretend to know. Everyone is free to believe or to feel as they experience things.”

But what he feels is fear. It terrorizes him. He feels threatened. He doesn’t understand what’s going on. 

He asks me: “Why are they here?

Isa: “What could be your grandfather’s motivation? You know him well. What would make him come to see you today when your child’s life hangs only by a thread?

Bruno: “Of course he wants to help me! That’s what he has always done, help me. Maybe he wants to be there to welcome my daughter from the other side?

Isa: “What do you feel when you think about that?”

Bruno: “I feel soothed, reassured that he is there, just in case. I will know that my daughter will not be alone.” 

Following this discussion, Bruno’s ghosts continued to visit him. But now, he says, they seemed different to him. They were no longer dark and scary, but were rather bright and comforting. 

Unfortunately Bruno`s daughter did not make it. It was a terrible ordeal, but he was able to stay connected to his emotions. He experienced the sadness of mourning with his family and his anxieties gradually began to fade away. He was able to say goodbye to his daughter and his grandfather at the same time. In retrospect he realized that his grandfather had always been like a second father to him. He had taken care of him when he was little, and he was the one who comforted him. Whenever he needed anything, he went to his grandfather. His grandfather took the time to listen without judging and Bruno felt his caring presence. Even when he wasn’t there, it was like he was watching over him. His sudden departure left him with a very profound feeling of loss. 

After feeling the sadness of losing both his daughter and grandfather Bruno was able to find comfort in thinking of them. He imagines them together. He sees his grandfather taking care of his daughter and he feels soothed. His anger faded and was replaced by a feeling of love, still with sadness, but gradually becoming more bearable. 

Bruno finally decided to sell his motorcycle. He was able to regain a sense of serenity when he thought about it. He even drove it again without difficulty, but felt that it was not the same. He went back to work, but he felt that he, as well, was not the same. Life has forced him to change. He has welcomed life`s uncertainties and has discovered both a new sense of balance and new desires within himself…

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Isabelle Leboeuf, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Lille, France. She is an expert in social joy and compassion. In her private practice, she integrates hypnotherapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Compassion Focused Therapy. She is offering in October 2021 a workshop with Chia-ying Chou and Chris Fraser on ANGER, POWER and LOVE, a journey back to connection.

Leanne Rondeau is a psychologist who works in a college counselling service and in private practice. She is affiliated with La Clinique de Psychologie Celia Lillo in the Plateau area of Montreal. She offers workshops in English and in French in Compassionate Mind Training.


When I feel sadness, my whole body seems to be drained of energy. A soft, tear-colored mist diffuses from behind my eyes and down into my chest. I want to curl up in a comfortable armchair or under a warm comforter. I want to let myself think about this thing, so precious that I lost. 

There are two ways of looking at the treasures that life takes away from us. We can think that they are gone, or we can rejoice in having collected them, in having been enriched by their encounter and the adventure they have given us. Sadness has the function of allowing renunciation. 

The great paradox is that it allows us to let go of our treasures, to set out again towards new adventures, rich inwardly from what we have experienced. 

We often speak of the appeasement that comes from accepting our emotions. We forget that it is through sadness that we can let go of our expectations, of our disappointed hopes, of our demands contradicted by our humanity. 

Let us not be afraid to live our sadness fully. It is not depression. The sweet melancholy of renunciation is the shortest path to joy. 

Is this strange? 

If we allow sadness to hibernate, joy will awaken all the more in the spring. Renunciation is not a loss but a renewal. 

Our heart can only grow and if it breaks; it is only to let the seeds of compassion grow…

Isabelle Leboeuf is a psychologist and psychotherapist. In her practice she integrates hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and compassion-focused therapy.

Fantasy or reality

This blog was edited by psychreg. You can find it HERE.

I am absolutely certain that you have already anticipated a desire. Perhaps you have imagined the taste of a dish that you cook by inventing all its flavours? Perhaps you have considered the success of a work in progress? Maybe you even projected the sensations of a consented kiss before knowing if your attraction was shared?

When did you have the most fun? At the time of imagining or at the time of tasting? After making the same cake 10 times, did the fun fade? And if you didn’t get what you wanted, how did you feel?

 From your three answers, follows one of the keys to happiness. Understanding how desire works allows us to enjoy more of our pleasures and to feel more intensely what life has to offer us.

First of all, the pleasure is in the fantasy, more than in its realisation. It is at the precise moment when planning a reward that our brain gives us the most dopamine, the famous pleasure substance. If things go exactly as planned, we don’t have more pleasure. You just feel a kind of continuity. And as you may have noticed before, the more predictable the outcome of a situation, the less intense the pleasure. It is a form of habituation. We speak in positive psychology of hedonistic addiction. When pleasure is predictable, the feeling of pleasure subsides, allowing us to drift into new desires. Conversely, you have probably noticed that the pleasure is more intense when the outcome is uncertain. Any good film avoids an overly predictable end that would leave us little stimulated.Stay

But what happens when our prediction of pleasure does not come true? We will then feel frustration, this sensation close to anger, when we have planned a pleasure and someone or something gets in the way of its realisation: ‘Who ate the last biscuit prepared by my grandmother?’

These very simple observations, which can be tested as much as necessary if you feel like it, open up a strategy we all tend to use. We create goals or anticipate desires to manage our emotions. And we will compensate for our frustrations with new anticipations. We thus recreate a loop because these new expectations will have to be met to avoid new frustrations. And this spiral in itself is a form of behavioural addiction. It’s a bit like living on the credit of our own desire.

 I could give you a thousand examples, but the suffering I hear most often is effective dependence. A loved one, especially if his or her behaviours are difficult to predict, creates a hope, a fantasy. But when things get real, they disappear, leaving frustration. The renewed dream: ‘Tomorrow, soon, you will see…’ recreates the pleasure in the waiting. The relationship turns into an erotic novel, the reading of which avoids a feeling of loneliness or sadness. The anticipation of a hot reunion shades the absence or the shortcomings of the real relationship.

Generally speaking, we tend to use pleasure to deal with the feeling of disconnection. Those times when we are out of step with reality. The remedy is simple but takes courage – it is in the present that we find a form of reconnection. It is here and now, that we can find the traces of a path of true love.

Try to notice, right now, how do you feel? What sensations do you perceive? What are your thoughts? The present moment is not always pleasant. I experience right now a feeling of tiredness in the eyes, the sound of cars passing in the street and the thought: ‘Is what I am writing clear enough?’

I don’t necessarily want to be in touch with all that. But to love does not only mean to appreciate. There is a deeper, more ‘cosmic’ meaning of the term. There is a phenomenon that is rooted in the physical laws of the cosmos called synchronisation. And guess what, for two physical elements to synchronise, they need to be connected. Simply put, it is by being fully connected to what is that one creates a form of harmony. It is in this presence to myself that I will be able to begin to love myself.

 Spinoza enlightens us on the existence of two forms of joy. One is passive and waits for the world to respond to our desires. The other one is active and starts with us. It radiates from ourselves to the world.

By accepting noises as they are, my brain quickly integrates them and makes them disappear if they are not of interest. Listening to my fatigue, I decided to leave you and go to rest and meditate for a few minutes. Listening to my doubts, I will read what I wrote again later, and invite you to share your questions or your observations. Going through my sensory discomfort allows me to access my needs, to take care of myself as a being who deserves to be well.

But more deeply, I can also connect with the fact that I write for love and to offer my compassion. I thus connect to my active joys, which allow me to love infinitely even in the absence of another.

And you, what are your active joys?

Isabelle Leboeuf is a psychologist and psychotherapist. In her practice she integrates hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and compassion-focused therapy.

Breathing together – How to stop comparing ourselves

What questions do you ask when you meet someone for the first time?

Personally, I purposefully avoid asking them about their work. More often than not this information comes out spontaneously and naturally. In the meantime, I savor the ability to listen unknowingly, as I enter into a space of neutrality and curiosity.  

Most of the time when we ask someone about their work, we indirectly question their social status. Unbeknownst to us our brains are equipped with a kind of application that continuously assesses social rank. This App has an adaptive function. In Social Rank Theory, evolutionary psychologists propose that this kind of App has developed to allow individuals to position themselves within a group. Being at the top of the social ladder has multiple benefits in terms of access to wealth, care, and education, which in turn prolongs lifespan and promotes the transmission of genes. 

But when we enter into relationship with others, this “social rank” App works like a kind of see-saw. Do you remember see-saws when you were a kid? It was a lot more fun to fly up high than to fall down heavily. When we are placed (or place ourselves) in a high-ranking social position we inevitably witness others in a lower position. Initially, we may feel proud of ourselves, but then we may also feel embarrassed or guilty and ask ourselves: “Who do I think I am”? In a sense, being in a lower-ranking social position can then seem to be a more comfortable place to be. However, this position is also complicated. We might feel protected from rivalries or jealousy, but also experience feelings of worthlessness that can surprise us as if someone was whispering in our ear: “You’re not enough! ” (Brené Brown).

Paul Gilbert’s research shows that this social rank mentality is linked to the mental suffering of depression and anxietyBerkeley researchers have also linked inflated or deflated feelings of self-worth to such afflictions as bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. This relational balancing act (external but also internalized) is often difficult to stabilize and complicates our sense of connection to others.

What if we decided to get off this see-saw? How would we go about doing just that?

A good place to start could be to simply remember that we are all human beings and explore what that means. We all have experienced pain, doubt and hope. We share our deepest ancestral and universal fears. We are afraid of dying, of being crazy and of being rejected. We hope, consciously or not, to be seen and loved. We fear abandonment but seek warmth and shelter to rest. Most simply we all breathe.

Take a moment to feel your breath and realize that beyond all the differences, we all breathe.

Getting off the see-saw and breathing together is allowing the emergence of a sense of shared humanity. It is one of the central elements of compassion (the motivation to relieve suffering). One can only consider the suffering of another if the value of that person can be seen. For example, not so long ago we used to consider that children were less important than adults. At that time, we tended to put their needs and their distress in the background. To consider that children and infants are equal in value has led to a better understanding of their needs and difficulties and resulted in concrete improvements in their living conditions.  We are increasingly aware of their distress, especially when they are harassed and bullied.

I regret today that as a child I was not aware that this social rank App led me to turn my gaze towards “popular” children while I considered others less attractive. I have certainly missed out on wonderful relationships and friendships. Today I teach children who are bullied that such abuse is the result of a particular group identity mechanism. Just like a person, a group needs to create and develop an identity. Unfortunately, this identity is often built in opposition to others who are excluded. Anyone excluded from a group is often left out because of a certain characteristic.  This could be something as insignificant as them having a yellow scarf which could lead the group to create an identity as a red scarf wearers.  In this way they position themselves at the top in the see-saw, promoting the belief that “red scarf wearers are better.” 

The reflex of a devalued individual in such a situation is often to want to prove the value of his or her scarf, however hopeless this strategy might be. Instead, I encourage such children to work at simply unplugging their App; to mute it or stop looking at its notifications. After doing so they hopefully will be able to approach other children who have also been excluded by the group.

And it works! The last young girl who applied this strategy came back to me with two new friends. She said to me: “you know, Isabelle, finally, they’re not bad! My new friends are great!” She had previously ignored and discredited them because, like her, they were left out. By unplugging her App, she was able to approach them and realize how great they really were. This technique, if promoted, could certainly help alleviate a lot of suffering.

And it is not only children who can benefit from it!  What about you? Who would you go to if you unplugged your App?

Looking inwards, we can try to be sensitive to our own value driven self-worth. Through self-compassion, we can allow our own suffering and joy to express itself fully.  We can reconnect with a form of pride that is linked to what we have accomplished in terms of what we value and learn how to treasure ourselves the way we are instead of fighting to feel superior. We then can develop a feeling of self-worth based on a non-judgmental vision of ourselves; a vision filled with curiosity that is open to growth and promotes a sense of learning and creativity. Essentially this is a vision of ourselves as human beings living fully as we connect to a sense of common experience breathing at our own pace and in harmony with others.  

Isabelle Leboeuf is a psychologist and psychotherapist in France. In her practice she integrates hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and compassion-focused therapy.

Leanne Rondeau is a psychologist who works in a college counselling service and in private practice. She is affiliated with La Clinique de Psychologie Celia Lillo in the Plateau area of Montreal. She offers workshops in English and in French in Compassionate Mind Training.

We Need to Talk More about Depression to Understand It Better

This blog had been edited by Psychreg. You can find it HERE.

Our brain builds the images we see, and to do so it uses emotional colours. It structures not only our vision but also our thoughts, our beliefs, and our vision of the world.

Just like a pair of coloured glasses, our emotions will colour our hearing, our vision, our smell – If we are happy, the glasses will be pink or variegated and we will want to put on cheerful music, to think of good memories or of projects that animate us. Our resources will then be easily accessible.

This is also true for other emotions. Sadness tells us that we have lost something important to us, something we love, and we are going, with our smoked glasses, to see what we have lost and what we are missing for today and to move forward tomorrow.

Depression is not sadness. Rather, it is a struggle against suffering, sadness, pain, an ordeal that we cannot understand or accept.This ad will end in 24

Our brain will soak up brown, guilt, shame and we will tend to devalue ourselves, to criticise ourselves because we are not what we want to be. We are going to see ‘what’s wrong with me’ until we sometimes judge ourselves or judge that our life is ‘void’.

These thoughts are not more realistic than the others, but an emotional loop is created which will strengthen them. When we add to the dark, brown glasses, the light gradually goes out and the colours disappear, fade.

When we are depressed, it is all of our sensoriality that is diminished. The fragrances fade, the Proust madeleines lose their evocative taste and the others begin to irritate us.

Everything that brought us pleasure is washed out. The idea that life sucks becomes flesh and bones.

Unfortunately, a second loop will be able to set up. Our desires crumbling, we will lose the motivation to do what we like. Since roses are dull, why garden? Since we no longer feel the warmth of the people we love, why call them? Shame whispers to us that they will not understand, and this is sometimes true. How to understand that the world has changed when everything is like yesterday? The isolation, which is linked to depression, increases slowly.

This type of reaction is part of life, and we all, sometimes several times a year, have moments of depression. Science tells us that you should see a doctor when this period lasts more than a fortnight. And it’s always a good idea if in doubt to move away from a somatic origin and start to talk about our suffering. But we all really need to talk about depression, to understand it better. 

To help another to get out of the spiral is to help oneself; directly because compassion is beneficial to physical health (it boosts immunity and it rejuvenates) and psychological (it offsets us from our problems and activates positive emotions) but also indirectly because the person we help today may help us tomorrow.

So how do we find our colours?

When we are depressed, following our desires cannot work. It’s not our fault, it’s just that there is no longer any desire. What I offer to my clients (an adapted form of behavioural activation, scientifically validated protocol) is:

  • Make a list of what you would have done if you were in a good mood. Imagine when you were well and you were on vacation, for example, what you would have liked to do. Try to find a maximum of sensory activities by scanning the five senses. For example, hearing: what do you like to listen to? Classical music? In this case the activity can be to take five minutes to fully listen to a piece of music.
  • Put a difficulty score for each activity from 1 (very easy) to 10 (very difficult)
  • If an activity is too difficult (more than 5 or 6, out of 10); try to cut it out. For example, painting. Maybe your brushes are in the attic, and you don’t know what to draw. You can do a first activity to get the painting down. Second, choose a drawing idea on the internet. A third doodling to tame the painting.
  • Choose only one activity from the list, which seems easily achievable, given the context, the energy of the day.
  • When you have chosen your activity, do not let it go. If you don’t do it today, it will be tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. If after three days you have not done it, it is because you have chosen something too hard. Always start with the easiest.
  • When you have successfully done a pleasurable activity take the time to give yourself positive feedback (‘Bravo! I succeeded, I advance.’). It is certainly not a miracle, but it is like physiotherapy, we advance one day at a time. You may not have enjoyed yourself. With the physiotherapist it can be painful while being effective. The colours will sometimes take time to return but they will return.
  • The nicer you are with yourself, the quicker the brown will fade. You do not know how? Imagine talking to your favourite animal. Use the same tone of voice. Yes, we have the right to be nice to ourselves.
  • Choose the next activity.

Final thoughts

So it remains for me to express my compassion to you if you are depressed. We all know what it’s like to be depressed. You are not alone. One in four people will experience a form of mental illness in their lifetime. It is then often beneficial to see a psychotherapist. 

Episodes of depression are part of the puzzle of life. I know this is hard, so please, be patient with yourself, and seek the courage to take a small step every day. Things will get better sooner than you think.

If you hear a voice within you say, “you cannot paint”, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced. – Vincent van Gogh

Compassion, a New Powerful Energy

Compassion is a concept that may seem, at first glance, rather dusty. Indeed, it is very ancient and was in fact created 2500 years ago, yet it is still a value that is at the centre of many human movements. In today’s western cultures, we find the word compassion can be associated with a sense of sacrifice and even weakness. However, far from being weak, compassion has now risen to attention with a special strength. 

Compassion is a sensitivity to suffering in self (self-compassion) and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it (Gilbert, 2014). It is therefore neither a sacrificial act nor a weakness but a force, a source of courage, a motivation that allows us to free ourselves and others from suffering with respect and benevolence.

Why do we need compassion?

It seems obvious from the definition that compassion would be at the heart of caring and our care systems. Yet, our efficiency-based healthcare systems, evaluated by costs, as opposed to valuing care, have systematically moved compassion to one side. We now have, what might look like, a “cold” model of care subsumed within an industrial process. Even if the efficiencies are real, a “side effect” is the dehumanization of care. This lack of understanding and lack of prioritisation of compassion seems to be prevalent in most western human institutions. To introduce compassion into our organisations would require a recognition of the inner human force as a resource to free suffering, beyond generating products, goods or energy. 

In spite of extraordinary advances in global health and wealth, human suffering does not diminish. New diseases develop, psychological disorders become more prevalent and suffering and dissatisfaction at work lead to waves of suicide, in both private firms and state institutions.

The environment is caught up in this degradation of life; climate issues are real.

Thankfully we are now witnessing a new appetite, a new desire, a will to think differently. We are seeing a move to develop an emotional and rational intelligence that embraces not just the individual as an isolated unit, but the self as an interconnection of social networks. There is now a rethinking of what is good for one will benefit others. Cooperation and mutual assistance are being harnessed to create a synergist potential for a more authentic, deeper force for change.

Life has evolved in the course of history by the successive development of complexity. Single celled organisms were the first units of life that collaborated to create more complex organisms. In doing so, they broadened their capacity to adapt to new environments and to new challenges. 

These beings learned to share their resources, to co-create houses, villages and states. Today, we too must continue this drive to cooperate, with a new common objective: to relieve suffering, to create a new dynamic and to develop a powerful, ecological energy, a social energy: Compassion.

Isabelle leboeuf & Kisane Prutton

Isabelle Leboeuf is a psychologist and psychotherapist. In her practice she integrates hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and compassion-focused therapy.

Kisane Prutton is a Chartered Psychologist (Occupational; registered with the HCPC), Chartered Scientist, accredited mediator and qualified coach. 

Prutton Partnership

How to reconnect with compassion

The blog was edited by Psychreg. Find it HERE

How do you live with the situations of isolation you are going through today? In one way or another, we all are separated, with the lockdown, from something important, a loved one, a project, a job, a freedom or even simply separated from something that gave a rhythm to our life. And this situation of separation creates a form of isolation.

We tend to limit the feeling of isolation to being alone. But our brain continuously perceives all forms of regularities in our environment. When a discontinuity occurs, when the expectations of our brain are not met, suffering emerges. We need to create new benchmarks.

But the separation from the people we love is the most painful. Loneliness and isolation have an impact on physical (it reduces our life expectancy) and psychological health. John Cacioppo has shown that our body reacts to feelings of loneliness in a way comparable to physical aggression. No wonder we avoid loneliness!

Studies have shown that feelings of loneliness are not only associated with depression but a precursor. An analysis over time shows that loneliness occurs before depression, indicating that loneliness causes depression

And if this test brings something good, I hope that the confinement we are going through will highlight a problem that has taken roots for several decades: the progressive isolation in which our culture confines us. I hope we can manage to reverse this toxic spiral.

And psychology has its share of responsibility to take. Most therapeutic approaches have based their approach on the independence and empowerment of the individual (with some exceptions with for example therapies associated to the theory of attachment) Autonomy in itself is positive, unless it is to the detriment of the recognition of the basic needs of emotional bond and a positive interdependence.

We see it clearly today, without the others, we are not much. With all the gold in the world, you cannot buy a product that is not produced, have a nice walk in a destroyed forest or be joyful when those you love are in pain. Money can destroy as much as it can create if it is used without awareness. And we realize how much we depend on others for the smallest things in our lives.


So how do we restore those sacred bonds that we are deprived of today? One simple way, highlighted by Paul Gilbert, founder of compassion-focused therapy, is to be open to receiving compassion. Compassion, the motivation to prevent and release suffering is something that we can offer to others. But we often forget how important it is to receive it.

How do you do it when we are alone? Our brain has this incredible ability to react to film footage as if it was a reality. Simply by mentally creating the reality we need, an ideal of compassion, we can respond to this need and create a caring and warm presence present for us when we want it and when we need it. Let’s try!

Take the time to imagine the ideal person, real or imagined, that you would need to feel fully seen, heard and understood. What would this person look like? What would be the tone of their voice? How would you feel in their presence? What would be the qualities of this person? Wisdom? Kindness? Courage? How would you feel if you received compassion from this person?

When I was at the bottom of my bed with the COVID-19 pandemic, I imagined our Mother Earth, like a mother, pregnant of the blue planet. I saw her suffering from the suffering of Humans. Her benevolent gaze and her soft but infinitely powerful arms awaited my suffering. I wrote her a micro-poem echoing my feelings

Mother Earth
I lay my suffering in your hands
I lay our suffering in your hands
May we find the courage to keep our heart open to receive your love

For various reasons, some people are reluctant to open up to compassion. It’s perfectly legitimate. If this is your case, try to observe this reluctance with sympathetic curiosity. If you want to go further in the experience of receiving compassion and soothe feelings of separation or isolation, you can join Dennis Tirch, for a guided meditation here.

Isabelle Leboeuf is a psychologist and psychotherapist. In her practice she integrates hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and compassion-focused therapy.


Yesterday was a special day

It started like a “normal” lockdown day. I did the school with the kids in the morning, prepared lunch and after cleaning the table, I prepared for a guided meditation on Zoom with some colleagues and friends. The meditation was heartfeltly guided by Dennis Tirch

I had a sense of sadness at the beginning of the group that was not usual. But little by little, my heart opened to my soul
After someone came in apologizing for being late, we all knew there was something not normal happening. But we all tried to welcome this person with acceptation and Dennis Tirch helped us all settle after the interruption and we tried to make room for this late arrival

That’s when the video of mass shooting started, probably a realistic video game. 

I remember hearing someone saying, “it’s a video game”, but my mind was taken by the images. I felt devastated

After an interruption, we were “lucky enough” to get trash pornography… 

Not a big deal? I was myself surprised by how much distress and suffering emerged from that experience

I quickly realized that I was feeling an echo of other traumatic events

This zoom bombing is the perfect metaphor of using people’s vulnerability to hurt them

The natural reaction we all had after it happened was to question how we could protect ourselves from this? 

I remember someone telling me that I am candid, that my openness was rare and refreshing. I’m an open-hearted person and some people expect it to be naïve, the result of an easy life with no betrayal or no wound

But many times, in my life, people have taken advantage of my open heart to use or abuse me. Just like this zoom-bombing, they have heart-bombed me and many others

I used two weapons in return to kill the darkness of their heart, I’ve used my sadness to grieve and allow the love to return after the swell had gone

And I’ve planted a seed of love in their heart 

Some have changed, some are gone but my heart isn’t closed to anyone of them. No matter how much hurt they have left

Thank you to this heart-bomber to allow this suffering to be expressed and shared 

Thank you also to remind me that the opening of the heart is really a choice of courage and compassion

I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to plant a seed of love in his heart but it’s all the hurt I wish him 

Sexual Compassion

“Sexual Compassion” was edited by psychreg. You can read it here.

How do you feel about giving yourself sexual pleasure? How about talking about it publicly? Do you feel perfectly comfortable tackling the subject?

In high school, I raised this subject with two friends and their reaction was outrage. I dared to talk about a taboo subject! To be honest, I would have forgotten about it if they hadn’t reminded me of it a few years later after watching a few episodes of  Sex and the City

They had discussed together and thanked me. Having had the opportunity to simply talk about giving themselves sexual pleasure had made them feel less lonely and released from a feeling of shame.

The association between shame and sexuality is common. It can of course be linked to sexual assaults but can also include sexual orientation, type of sexual practices, sexual body, fantasies, transgressed consent (suffered or acted), also fertility, infertility, termination of pregnancy, contraception – everything related to sex can be the source of a feeling of inadequacy, of being impossible to love or even a feeling of self-hatred

Shame is an emotion that teaches us social norms and prevents us from being perceived as different, unsuitable. But the burning of shame leaves us with the feeling that our behaviours if they are deviant make us bad. In fact, it has been shown in one study that it pushes us to secrecy and favours ruminations.

Sexual shame is probably the most widely shared experience of shame among human beings. The good news is that it is possible to reinvent a secure interindividual space, in which to be, to feel, to create and to take pleasure; a space of sexual compassion.

Because ultimately sex is nothing more than a pair of socks. It’s really a crappy image, but all the better, let’s go straight ahead by adding a yellow colour and a cartoon logo. Yellow socks may be appealing to some, but will never please everyone. And it’s fine like that! Let’s keep the joy and the pleasure of putting on the socks that excite us!

To approach our sexuality with self-compassion is to do it with the kindness of a good friend. It is being present to the pain, without judgement, trying to understand our history or that of our partner. It is also to keep in mind that we are not alone in the face of this feeling. 

Social networks are today a great tool for witnessing sexual suffering. Many people find the courage to expose themselves by refusing to be judged and thus allow everyone to realise that they are not alone in feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

To free oneself from shame is also to face our own gaze, our own criticism which fiercely tries to protect us from the judgement of others. We are sometimes tempted to flee or hide ourselves; to conceal a belly, an imperfection. But to avoid seeing oneself, or to show oneself, is also to avoid loving oneself, or feeling loved. Finding the courage to smile in the mirror or to the gaze of others is to risk reconciling with yourself.

Sexual self-compassion is welcoming our own suffering related to sexuality. Put it in perspective of our history: Why is this withdrawing hand so violently painful? I very often hear in my psychotherapy practice the pain of rejection that is replayed in sexuality. If the other doesn’t desire me, is it still possible to be loved?

I often explain that there are three sexualities in one. The sexuality of the body, that of the heart, and that of the spirit. You may want (the heart) chocolate cake but not be hungry (the body) and tell yourself that it is bad for your health (the mind). Likewise, you can love sex but be tired or worried that there will be negative consequences. All combinations are possible!

Listening to and differentiating our three sexual experiences and those of the other can allow us to better understand ourselves and better accept a certain confusion or ambivalence. Our mind is complex, delivered without instructions just like the beings sharing our sexuality.

Paul Gilbert defines compassion as a sensitivity to suffering and a motivation to relieve our suffering (self-compassion) or that of others. How is it possible to deal with the shame of having transgressed the consent of the other? 

Going from shame to guilt and from guilt to responsibility. I have sometimes received this type of testimony with great emotion, as much by the sign of confidence that was offered to me as by the courage to face the experience of shame. Shame tells us that we are the problem. To go to guilt is to realise that we are more complex than our actions and to face the problem and its consequences. 

Getting out of a form of fusion with our actions, leads us to see that our behaviour is problematic, but also that we are able to have different behaviours. By putting this problem in the future rather than in the past and moving from the observation of deconstruction to planning a reconstruction action; we really start to take responsibility. 

It is not a question of denying but of confronting the reality with courage and finding the appropriate answers. What if, true sexual liberation was the liberation of a speech that testifies courageously and unleashes the energy of desire?